Audi e-tron EV recall: batteries catching fire | AutoExpert John Cadogan

Audi - or as I like to call it: Skoda for compulsive wankers - has moved up a notch in the global electric shitbox sweepstakes this week, thanks to the e-tron fire risk safety recall.

Save thousands on a new car here (Australia only):

That excellent Russian documentary referenced in the video:

The e-Tron - the company’s flagship SUV EV - is already the subject of numerous production and supply gaffes. Delayed a year ago when then-CEO Rupert Stadler was arrested for his alleged part in the global poison-for-profit ponzi scheme we now know and love as Dieselgate.

Then there was that ulgy software compliance issue with the regulators in October.

Then, about eight weeks ago it was revealed that e-Tron production would be both delayed and slashed because battery supplier LG Chem had both Volkswagen’s and Daimler’s testes in a vice over battery supply.

And I always thought ze Chermans were unopposed to that kind of thing. Based on my extensive research of that kind of thing online, it certainly seems that way. Note to self: clear browsing history.

Although I did bookmark Generation Iron Russia’s very fine YouTube channel this week, and I’m disinclined to clear that one. About four videos down in search. Excellent documentary on Russian fitness instructors slapping each other on the arse. And something in it for the ladies too.

That report is billed as the best slap competition in the world, and I have no reason to argue. None. It was just so artfully done. It made me want to go and work out. And it reinforced my conviction that feminism is wildly over-rated.

I point this out just in case you ever doubt that I put in the hard yards and actually do the research. Link in the description. The canoe-paddle mud-wrestling one’s not bad either. Elegant and yet at the same time, stimulating.

Anyway, the one thing you need with in electric SUV shitbox is batteries, and LG Chem is elevating prices and reducing supply because both big fat Cherman carmakers don’t make their own batteries and are thus at the mercy of a critical third-party supplier for those pesky batteries.

Who could have foreseen that?

So - 10,000 fewer e-trons will be made this year. I guess you might see that as a plus. And, they had to push the second e-Tron entrant in the market back a year, all because zeese Cherman geniuses couldn’t put a decent contract together with LG Chem. Yesssssss!

Apparently, ony 544 e-trons have been delivered globally at this point. Small round of applause there. Well done. But boardroom euphoria over ‘an ugly chapter behind us’ was short lived in the ‘balls-in-vice boardroom’, because those champions of underdone engineering have just recalled 1644 e-trons because they might catch fire if they get wet.

But let’s cut them a break in R&D: Who ever would have predicted a motor vehicle might get wet? And it’s hardly as if there are actual ruggedisation and waterproofing standards for electronic equipment, which could be implemented off the bat.

Well done there, you four-ringes Muppets. Vorsprung durch incompetence. I thought everyone knew water and electricity didn’t mix. You’d probably want to put a sign up on the friggin’ wall in an EV factory, to that effect. So we’re all on the same page. Just saying.

Apparently, water can make its way into the battery enclosure:

“...elevating the risk of fire.”

Audi said that it was:

“Applying an abundance of caution…”

...which seems to me the exact opposite of what’s actually been done in R&D. That corporate bullshit. So insidious. But no fires have actually been reported, so that’s nice. Except five e-trons have had their dashboards light up as a result of wet batteries. Out of 544 vehicles on the road, that’s pretty significant.

An abundance of caution. Taking the moral high ground - what a novel experience in Ingolstadt.

No e-trons yet embarrassing up the road here in the Trailer of Arse, thankfully, but when they do lob, green-evangelising, wealthy compulsive masturbators are expected to fork out about $150,000 for the pleasure of driving a car with zero toxic emissions … unless of course water continues to get into the batteries.

That legendary Cherman engineering. That due diligence. Those mother-lovers… That Russian spanking. So therapeutic. Your troubles all just melt away. Together with the Volkswagen Group: The gift that keeps on giving.

You know, if you’re in the market for an e-tron, it would be cheaper just to get the word ‘loser’ tattooed on your forehead and crank up the thermostat 15 or 20 degrees. It sends exactly the same message.

Cadogan