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Three of Caradvice’s biggest cocks just got up and walked out, yesterday. And they’re not coming back. Details next.
The cocks in question, who made like Moses after the 10 plagues - even though that - guaranteed - never happened - were the so-called “founding team” at Caradvice: Alborz Fallah, Tony Crawford and (quote-unquote) “media personality” Paul Maric.
So this is kind of interesting. Caradvice’s three biggest cocks become contemporaneously erect, and fly the coop in formation, yesterday. As symbolic ‘fuck yous’ go - it doesn’t get much more emphatic.
I should point out that calling someone a cock is actually a mark of deep respect. The cock is a proud animal. If you’re top cock in the henhouse, all the roosters want to be you, and all the chicks want to do you. It’s an enviable position in which to be.
These chaps are therefore fully-qualified, A-grade cocks. #tumescent.
Recent history: Caradvice started out as nothing more than a bulge in Alborz’s underpants. He’d always wanted a hot pink Ferrari and to drive fast cars in exotic locations with lifetime platinum frequent flier status, while inflicting himself on innocent car enthusiasts, all on the car industry’s dime.
He originally wanted to be a garage door installer - but that didn’t work out, so he fell back on almost-journalism.
This secondary media entrepreneurial wet dream grew into an advertising delivery powerhouse. And despite the fact that I worked there as editor in chief for a brief period (not a good fit) - they finally sold it for millions to Nine Digital
...which is like Channel Nine, only more mentally retarded, and with no audience. Same sociopathic tendencies as regular broadcast TV, however, so that’s nice.
Anyway, Nine also buys Fairfax, which owns Drive. They take Drive to the prison shower with the big digital cocks, and Drive emerges limping, a shadow of its former self. (It’s just Caradvice with a different logo now.) And Nine’s digital cocks pat each other on the arse over a fine job well done.
The long-term chief executive of Caradvice - he’s enjoying all of this so much that he just gets up and walks out of the building a couple of months ago. And they fill the void left by his departure with … some faceless Nine Digital beancounter.
The unsinkable automotive ship - the RMS Advertising Delivery - is at this point bearing right down an iceberg you can see from space. Moments before impact, the big, founding cocks all sprout wings. That was yesterday.
I am of course gagging to learn if yesterday’s trilateral big cock exodus was a founder ‘fuck you’ aimed at Nine. Or a response to an under-the-table Nine ‘fuck you’ aimed at the founders. Or a combination of the two - I’m tipping it’s the combination fried rice ‘fuck you’ option in play here…
Caradvice can exist without the big founding cocks - certainly - but not as we know it. See, in the modern digital marketplace, where video is king, the brand is the key people. The audience has a relationship with the big cocks - but this is something a Nine Digital wonk is unlikely to appreciate.
Like, you’re sitting here listening to me now. I’m talking to you. You’re … I dunno … on the crapper, cracking one off (one of life’s significant pleasures) … and here we are, spending this special time together. It’s kind of intimate, isn’t it? Only, not in a fag way. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Video equals personal connection. So, Caradvice just lost that. It’s intangible, but hugely significant. Which just points to an epic level of management mental retardation at Nine Digital. Well done there. You chumps.
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